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Manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage
of our product. In order to better serve your needs, we ask that you
take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in
mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need
not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to
comments or suggestions.
- How did you find out about God?
 | __ Newspaper |
| __ Bhagavad-Gita |
| __ Television |
| __ Divine Inspiration |
| __ Word of Mouth |
| __ Near Death Experience |
| __ Koran |
| __ Communist Manifesto |
| __ Tabloid |
| __ Burning Shrubbery |
| __ Bible |
| __ Torah |
| __ Other Sources (specify): _____________ |
Which model God did you acquire?
| __ Yahweh |
| __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet |
| __ Jehovah |
| __ Jesus |
| __ Allah |
| __ Satan |
| __ God |
| __ G_d |
| __ None Of The Above, I Was Taken In By A False God |
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
| __ Yes |
| __ No
 | If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered
here: ________________________________. |
|
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
| __ Indoctrinated by parents |
| __ Needed a reason to live |
| __ Indoctrinated by society |
| __ Needed focus in who to despise |
| __ Imaginary friend grew up |
| __ Hate to think for myself |
| __ Wanted to meet girls/boys |
| __ Fear of murder by a missionary |
| __ Wanted to piss off parents |
| __ Needed a day away from work |
| __ Desperate need for certainty |
| __ Like organ music |
| __ Need to feel morally superior |
| __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
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Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god
were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
| __ Odin |
| __ Cthulhu |
| __ Zeus |
| __ The Almighty Dollar |
| __ Apollo |
| __ Left Wing Liberalism |
| __ Ra |
| __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur |
| __ The Great Spirit |
| __ The Great Pumpkin |
| __ The Sun |
| __ Bill Clinton |
| __ The Moon |
| __ Burning Cabbage |
| __ The Bomb |
| __ Other: ________________ |
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply.
| __ Tarot |
| __ Lottery |
| __ Astrology |
| __ Television |
| __ Fortune cookies |
| __ Ann Landers |
| __ Psychic Friends Network |
| __ Dianetics |
| __ Palmistry |
| __ Playboy and/or Playgirl |
| __ Self-help books |
| __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll |
| __ Biorhythms |
| __ Bill Clinton |
| __ Tea Leaves |
| __ EST |
| __ Mantras |
| __ Jimmy Swaggart |
| __ Crystals |
| __ Human Sacrifice |
| __ Pyramids |
| __ Wandering around a desert |
| __ Insurance policies |
| __ Burning Shrubbery |
| __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur |
| __ Barney Fife |
| __ Other: _____________________ |
| __ None |
God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?
| More Divine Intervention |
| Less Divine Intervention |
| Current Level of Divine Intervention Is Just Right |
| Do Not Know. What Is Divine Intervention? |
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following
(1=Unsatisfactory, 5=Excellent):
- Disasters
| __ (1-5) Flood |
| __ (1-5) Famine |
| __ (1-5) Earthquake |
| __ (1-5) War |
| __ (1-5) Pestilence |
| __ (1-5) Plague |
| __ (1-5) AOL |
| __ (1-5) Windows 98 |
Miracles
| __ (1-5) Rescues |
| __ (1-5) Spontaneous remissions |
| __ (1-5) Stars hovering over town |
| __ (1-5) Crying statues |
| __ (1-5) Water changing to wine |
| __ (1-5) Walking on water (except Cuyahoga) |
| __ (1-5) Talking flaming shrubbery |
| __ (1-5) VCR that sets its own clock |
| __ (1-5) Saddam Hussein still alive |
| __ (1-5) Marlins winning the Series |
| __ (1-5) Clinton's re-election |
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
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